I am going to resume writing on the blog I guess. This is more like a personal diary, where I don't have a following and I don't care for it. As a result, more unadulterated and incosequential thoughts. 

Patient's son:

If my mother was more mentally present she would tell you, you are so pretty and you look like a teenager.

 My favorite people in the world (List is not exhaustive)

Sam Harris

Arundhati Roy

Elizabeth Gilbert

Bertrand Russel

Carl Sagan

Tim Ubran.

My favorite fictional character

Sarrah Jessica Parker ( Carrie Bradshaw )

I think about pre-existing concepts in a different way.

I am onto something great. Something big.

Paliative service:

I have a feeling that Z.U (initials changed) hates my guts.

She is one of the people who just assume that the other person is disinterested in her job. Whether this judgement stems from her experience with too many lazy people or an acute insight of her own laziness, I do not know. As for the latter theory, I don't find her lazy. She is bratty, entitled  and difficult to talk to, but she does her job. 

 

I find it hard to stand my ground in front of mean people. You need to be very assertive. My tone with people is always so amicable, that faced with the possibility of a confrontation, I feel frustrated. I can only ever get angry ( which happens once in a blue moon) or say nothing.

I have to change this attitude. Simply because its not fair for people to be bratty and get no push back

REALITY CHECK.

I weigh the most I have ever weighed.

I have graduated from the small to the medium or even large size.

I used to weigh 57 kg in 2020. Now I'm a whopping 67 kg.

My clothing choices have dramatically shifted.

Yet its not just about the food at all.

It's the link with my emotions and cognition.

I find myself thinking about food all the time.

I binge eat, two whole big bags of Funyuns and cheetos and eat dessert on top of it.

My mind feels cluttered, hazy and not good at all.

Even this post is so cluttered. I will define my problem statement:

Problem statement:

I am officially overweight. I don't feel good physically ( i don't enjoy dressing up) , mentally ( my mind is occupied with thoughts of food) or emotionally ( I binge eat whenever I feel that I can).

I want to change. 

ok

Bloopers

The thing is that you remmeber what you treated them like, even if they dont.

Do you miss me? The reader who is reading this after I have left this world?

You know, however real your moment and your experience is, mine is just as much.

I am typing this on my phone, mu phone is plugged into a charger. I am on a night call and in middle of reviewing a patient's chart who has bilateral ear pain. People are discussing politics behind me. The song 'wo humsufar tha' is playing in the background because even though it is Lincoln Hospital, there is another Pakistani doctor on call.

There is an empty iced coffee cup by my side. I finally figured out ice cold brew with sweet foam is my go-to drink.

And I'm wearing black scrubs with a red jacket. This is me from today evening when I was coming to work:

 

But I am not here. And you are ALIVE. You have consciousness.....

I would envy it if I could.

ENDGAME.

Say the magical four words.

Ok : Affection, respect, desire, trust.

Tuesday is Lentil soup day.

You cant see that well because my camera is usually oily.

Choti Eid, 2023.

I am dealing with Acne Vulgaris and have only just begun treatment. ( self-prescribed and full throttle)

In the picture on the left you can see the acne marks, in the right one, I have softened the image.

Basically re-orienting in life.

Dear Ammi Abbu,

Thank you for loving me for who I am. It must have been hard for you because our religious views, and views on life were in direct conflict. Yet you understood me beyond that. You loved me beyond that, at least for the most part and beyond the teenage years.

The pen that came all the way with me from Allama Iqbal medical college.

Lethal. I tell you.

Somebody randomly brought this cartoon picture book to the ICU conference room and i feel excited to read it.

Pretty much the most excited I have been in some days.