Today...

I saw a coin

shaped like a dimple on your cheek

And this

very paragraph

that I am breaking up randomly

into lines and half-lines

is not really a poem.

It's just random.

like life.

like you meeting me,

and passing on.

Oh probably now it's a poem.

Just kidding.

The circle of sounds

The absence of sound ,
The noise of my exit,
The sound of my own wailing ,
A nurse cooing,
The rustle of a gentle hand guiding me to milk,
The rattle, rattling
The fuss of the newly woken , new parents,
The sound of  a spoon grating bananas to the bottom of the plate
The sound of cartoon
Of the voice of the mother waking me up for school
Of lunch box closing
Of school van horn, always impatient
The sound of the door that opened in evening
And sound of my father loosening his shoes

The alarm bell on the phone
The sound of hurried footsteps on the floor
Of the quick brushing of teeth
Of an empty glass of milk slammed down
Of door banging close
Of car alarm
And the  sound of the traffic

The sound of a new person
Luring me out of delirium
The sound of a dainty heel scraping against my shin
The sound of the sheets

The sound of the little one
The cooing of the nurse
The rustle of a gentle hand guiding my new one to milk

The sounds of the hospital
The sound of the door that opens every morning
And the sound of the scrubs that the doctor put on
In the sounds of the hospital where father breathed last

The sounds of the morning
Are going to come full circle
If played on a track  they would make the most poignant music

But these sounds of the morning
Fail to distract me  
From the thoughts  of the future,
The sounds of them wailing,
The noise of my exit,
The absence of sound.

I toss away my childhood in crumbs of breads I am too adult to waste in front of the hosts,
In the suppressed giggles when carresses feel ticklish,
In the tug of war between curiosity and wisdom ,
In the hidden acts of kindness that I almost do,
And the mischiefs which are now defended by ego.
I hide it In the smiles that mask hesitation ,
And that ball in my throat which grounds the tears to the confines of my eyes.

I hide it but somehow it's always there.
Waiting to lurk of the windows of honesty
But childhood does not know the ways of the world
And adulthood likes to travel unaccompanied.

On Modern Humans.

We are the ones who wake up with Facebook.
16 red, fleshy notifications, instant dopamine rush.
3 messages, i hope one of them is by that person.
there's always that person?

8 am and the morning photos are already rolling.
People frozen artifically in an instant of their dynamic being.

Newsfeed has replaced Newspaper.
somebody somewhere is doing real journalism,
obscured by the boredom of details.
Unconcerned ,we will take opinion pieces on internet to be news.
That's more palatable.
We are convenience oriented.
We are trend-savvy,
We are people of opinions.
the world of ideas is bottomless, but we can put a lid on it.

what did you do the first time you saw her?
i swiped left.
Oh we met at Tinder.
It's been 3 years and It still gives me butterflies to see you online on Watsapp.
we got married. #blessed
A wedding isn't wedding if it isn't put up on facebook
lets look at the photos,
mostly to note the things we'd replicate and those that we will avoid.
leave a comment under the photo
#couplegoals
if we are a part of a couple that has goals set on the model of  an arbitrary and personal relation between two other imperfect beings
then we are totally not the couple goals.
Oh you had a child?
I didn't see that on facebook.
which school your child goes to?
He goes to youtube videos on ipad.

Feeling lost ?
scanning your contacts but don't know whom to call?
it's ok.
you have shared for 8 days in a row
and people have responded.

Lets binge-eat the junk food
and lets binge-watch the shows.
The one that glorify the drug lords and meth dealers.
The top rated.
'its demand and supply'

Our team has won the match
lets revel in the misery of the opponents.
visit the hashtag #gotyousuckers
positive reinforcement.

We are the kings and Queens of our own making.
crowned at Snapchat.
and followed on instagram.

'I didn't see your check-in at Melbourne
was your flight late?'
It's great how the whole world has come together.
I am surrounded by people my mind was losing hold of.
Lets connect with the long-lost classfellows
only to keep tabs on how much they have accomplished
'i am happy for you'
a pretense of happiness that is a luxury of our circumstances.
tighten the noose of survival a bit, and each person is out for himself.
Surprise! Each person is still out for himself.
We are just competing in a race no one will ever win.
A competition we can only win, by not being a part of it.

We are the modern humans
And if this is a reality we spend our life to curate
Maybe it's not so virtual at all.

The moment after.

If we have to be apart for eternity.
I will be in the moment when you have just left.
In the resonance of the slammed door,
I will smell your scent lingering in the air
A scent that for me, is the scent of departure.
I will reach under your pillow, half-expecting to find a forgotten wallet.
I will look at the hollow on the other side of bed.
By its side
The rim of your cup , still brown from the coffee
The spoon holding a grain of sugar in its belly.
The book you were reading the last night ,
Lying open invitingly, on its spine
One of its pages clumsily dog eared.
Clothes strewn about ,
on the floor, behind the sofa, and teasingly, beneath the fridge.
A tell tale stain on collar of shirt
I will sweep out the memories from under the rug.
all the things that we slipped under that, the ones we couldn't discard
and were too bothered to keep.
The bathroom mirror will be misty ,
the soap will have a foam.
I will see a hairbrush with a single brown hair twirling around its teeth.
With a mop and a duster, I will set out to organize my universe,
Tracing the footprints to wipe.
A trail, that for me, is cosmic in significance.

So if you have to go at all,
Leave me in the moment when you have just left.
I will have these tokens of your being,
that naively reassure me of the temporariness of our separation.

Saari galti

Submerged

Illusions, Illusions everywhere
I seek completion in God
in friends and in love
in delusions on land,
of the mysteries above.
I have an option to do,
as the norms dictate
to seek comfort in lie
and let the truth be at stake
and to believe in rigidity
of the good and evil;
(what is required of my mind
is to be unbending and still )
yet this stubborn heart of mine
makes me pick up the fight
to identify golden beings
Shielded by cloudy bias ;
dispersed like specks of the dust
bearing labels unjust ;
from the inflicted of lust,
to the victims of trust;
of the loved and the hated;
of the appreciated and the berated;
Amidst the black and the white
between polite and contrite,
i discern the shade of the right
its a grey twilight!

Even then.

If I am going to know you.
I am going to be distant with you.
Until i know you better, I am going to reserve my opinion.
When i finally know you better.
I am going to open up.
Bit by Bit, layer by layer.
Once i like you.
I am going to stand by you.
Once I trust you.
I am never going to break your trust. 
Once I give you a place in my life.
I am going to make you irreplaceable.
I am going to believe in you and reject my own reservations.
I am going to drop caution.
But then what happens?
Time goes by.
and i realize same is not the matter with you.
I do not complain.
But if I do.
We are both going to know that neither of us owns the other.
And i am going to acknowledge the truth.
Because i love truths and hard facts.
They make me feel safe.
And I am going to back-step a little.
Leaving a little piece of my myself with you.
Leaving the space where our companionship had existed in realms of time.
I am still going to stand by you.
and like you.
and be around you if I am supposed to.
But I don't know what is missing.
That I cannot drop caution around you anymore.
That I have to be alone in entirety.
Even when you are with me.

Lets smile the smile of a child we knew.
Lets smile without caring
who looked and who won't.
Lets stop wanting to be remembered. 
Lets accept we'll be forgotten, 
by the closest to us. 
Yet, lets not make a fuss.
(lets learn not to expect.
lets learn Just to be. )
Lets know with heart.
what our eyes may not see.
Lets set out on a journey, without a map
lets remember the rules.
we can't take candies from strangers.
and lets know when to forget them
and trust a stranger.
lets be lost in our walk
like we used to be,
on those happy evenings in the parks.
lets ride the life , which is slipping away
lets loosen our grip ; on what is to stay.
lets forget the bittersweet longings of the present.
lets reveal ourselves to the world of God.
lets attract by the carrot what we can't by the rod.
Lets say no more words.
Let the 'sacred' remain.
Can you dare to be you?
I will dare to be me.
Lets say we won't let any complications intervene

I am in your hands, i said.
like raw clay or molten iron.
you can mould me as anything you like. 
He smiled at me, sweet smile of his.
and fashioned me as a sparrow, with powerful wings.
You are a bird of freedom , meant to fly.
You dont belong here on the ground.
carry this knowledge, my child, and explore greater horizons.
You are wiser than the rest.
I looked at my love with eyes of gloom
He nodded at me with a look of trust
in that one moment that lasted forever, i flew away.

flapping the wings that his love had blessed me with.

though i would have love to be imprisoned by him equally.
I wonder if he wonders, how tired the lonely flight makes me.

An American dream

One day i will break free from the chains that bind me
Right across the barrier that imprisons me home
I will break free from the scrutinising stares
I will break free from the burning glance of beholders
To the world of green meadows that awaits me
...

right across the barrier i have measured in my mind
calculated my steps to , and known my aims for
and when i have reached those green meadows
and my dream jacuzzi and my flowers ona string
i will fly in the fields with my arms wide open
and when i have my feet on the ground again
i will blend with nature, skin to air, scent to scent
i will lose myself in the crowd that doesn't know me

He , I and you .
The perfect three .
He symbolizes ' divine'
His light spreads into you
The joy makes you tremble.
All the words toss and tumble
With An ecstatic biting of lips..
 A submissive lowering of eyes
and A fluttering of the heart
Your hold your hand in mine
I look into your eyes
for a warning which doesn't come
with just a gentle smile
I take him to be mine
He symbolizes 'divine'
Only, Not this time

who do you love when love has died.

like a spark, which grew up into a flame,

only to breathe darkness into night.

Feelings are numbed as frozen toes
Or a wedding alter where eulogy replaced vows
or that dead man's bride.

dead as death, cold as ice,

the wick of candle which was aflame

now sits on the candletop black and withering.

My body that was held together by my lover's warmth

stands in the cold alone and shivering.
There is a message from God across.
to lose my tears in the rain of loss.

All Black.

If life could be defined by colors, mine would be black.

My wardrobe, black.

My bags, black.
The sunglasses in my bag, black

A thick shock of hair, black.
My nails, black.
The naughty dots on my face, black.

The veil black.

The eyes behind the veil, black.

The kohl, black.

The tears that hug the kohl, black.

The curtains over my eyes , black.

The arched arrow-brows, black.

The ink in all my pens

black.

The bruises on my neck, black.

The scent lingering there, black.

The passions, black.

My nights, black
My favourite color on sky, black.
The spirit black

The person black.

Top to toe, 

it's all Black.

Loose connection

Blue clouds circle angry bays
the water , angry floods the towns
A draught of peace brings to shame
The unrest of the wars that came
A world that's smaller than the earth
is dwelled by a little girl that's me
and a naughty boy with curly hair
whose love has finally set me free
Lies in my eyes, and in his eyes
a thirst of longing which is so strong
we cannot kiss, we cannot touch
 cause we are told that this is wrong
 the blood has dribbled down my wrists
i have fought with angry, hurtful fists
the smile had stayed to fool the world
but now i am  bare to face the dirt.
of doing that the things i want to do
of being the one i want to be
of saying and doing what is not right for them
i pay the price i had not foreseen

Confused between the gods

Her eyes are soft as clouds, her lips full like a rose

A black ring of desire hugs her petite nose

Everything about her is perfect

She has me taken.

She is that dream from which i would never awaken.

She is shy but not reluctant , this is my only hope

She is my lifeline like to a drowning man is rope.

Melly is her name , my wife, my darling little thing

She made my life the day she let through her finger my wedding ring

Each morning when i wake up now, She is not by my side

Turned on by the thought she thinks it is kinky to hide

I open doors and there she is, in the kitchen making toasts

and pancakes, all my favourite things, the lovely chicken roast.

I kiss my wife and smile to think how lucky i have been

Years go by and here i am, grey-haired , wrinkled and lean

There by my side is a woman who looks much less like that lovely being

to whom i had once proposed with a gorgeous diamond ring

Yet there it is , the lovely stone unchanged by the time

its sparkles against the housewife-hands, the man inside me whines.

that face which had once been youthful and beautiful like the moon

has begun to look like a ripe fruit which will shrivel up very soon

Humbled by the thought that what brought us here is fate

I look at her and tell her i will be home very late

At my workplace i do not have a moment to spare

Yet i take care of how i look and the precise clothes to wear

The reason behind it, as you may guess, is not gentlemanly behaviour

It is a beautiful woman who has turned out to be my saviour

Her deep eyes, her slender build, her tremulous ,naughty gait

Makes me proud to have her as my everyday lunch-date

I love her. and i love my wife. That, i believe is true.

I go home and i smile at her, the old trick to woo

but she does not smile back at me this night when i go back

i look at her and slip my arm right behind her back

she got so thin , i never knew, and that, before my eyes

I , who the world has always called the all-knowing and wise

My heart skips a beat as i count the many wrinkles on her face

She pushes me away to my surprise,  it has never been the case

I ask her what? i ask her why? she remains quiet and stares

falling down on her knees, she cries she weeps

and tells me that my dear!

''To be in love, to fall in love, there is a simple clue

that person you will hold sacred, you will worship too

So that when the old hymns of love and prayer grow too old to hear

You still chant them , keep close to heart and let them pour in ears

the promise with unseen  , of love , of never ending praise''.

I hold her,  draw her close to me and slowly then i raise

''I love you and you know that too. I will never leave you alone

And each morning when you wake up now you will never find me gone''

I await a response as i look at her thin frame next to me

The forgiving spirit of hers assures me of what is to be

I take a step backwards and fold arms across my chest

I have convinced her, that's my thought, i had acted my best.

 The ever shy, the ever mellow speaks against the odds

''You are lying, you do not love, you are confused between your gods'''.