Hiralious

A writer ends his story on the note of some conclusion.  Some moral , some longing , some irony , some solution. He/She ( I wish there was a common third person singular pronoun so that I wouldn't have to  write He/She so often) would avoid an abrupt ending. Such a book wouldn't sell. Such a story wouldn't have a take home message. And before all this , such a writing would not satisfy the soul of the writer.

I, however , am confused. And unlike the past my thoughts will most likely come to an abrupt half of surrender.  Off the top of my head , after the killings in Orlando, I am thinking that  the design of a human life is so random. Yet we entitle ourselves to dreams and ambitions. We believe in a bigger picture. Some buy the religion. Others just join the different causes. Because we want a bigger picture.  As a doctor , I have seen death very closely.  I have seen life to be at mercy of an emergency tray. I have felt the pulse becoming feeble under my fingers until it disappeared. I have seen a horrified helplessness on the faces of people when they learnt that the two way communication with someone they love has been aborted for eternity. I have seen my fellows , my colleagues attributing this to the design of a God up there in sky. I have seen them take refuge in their convenient camps of wishful thinking. I have felt the rage choking my throat at their audacity to explain what cannot be explained. And the explanation of which does not have any meaning. You would know too if a body went cold in front of you. Everything that person said or did becomes meaningless. You will totally detach yourself from the feeling that it was a living person slowly. That is why it is so scary if a person , supposedly dead , would wake up. Because we just want comfort. Even if a person is dead we want the comfort of knowing that he is dead for sure. We want certainty.  Madly , we chase It. In ideals , in people, in relationships , in belief systems. We have zero tolerance for uncertainty . Thats why people believe. So that they can attribute their losses to will of a higher being orchestrating a bigger plan. That's why we don't stop to question why we are told that we are better than others ? How all what we have been told could be a lie ? How our lives might not be operating on a design ? How it could all be random. Random like you drinking a can of coke and a bullet hitting you in your head, numbing everything you ever felt.

I don't know what's the place for empathy. I think people can either operate on empathy or on principles.  Because the two paths don't intersect.  I live by the way of principles because the lack of boundaries in empathy horrifies me. I empathise with a robber who robs because he is hungry. Why I shouldn't empathise with a serial killer who kills because of his misshapen psychology ? Why I don't empathise with animals.  They are killed to feed me ? Where is the limit because If you look at it, every crime has a motive and one that feels very real to the one perpetrating it. I see the things close to my heart in black and white so I choose to stay aloof. I choose to hug principles defiantly because the lack of boundaries in empathy is frightening.  I am not selfish but I don't assume the right for people's welfare on myself. When I take away the burden from my shoulders , I feel the pain of people in my heart. It is a beautiful paradox of my life. I don't think I am supposed to help people. I don't suppose I am supposed to do anything , actually. This sponatenity makes me act in humane ways ( or ways I know to be humane in that they don't hurt any human in life or property ) but this spontaneity has also led human beings to be reckless and act in disregard for everything but themselves

There is nothing certain in life . I want to see certainty in love.At all times , in all weathers.  Which is probably  a mistake if you take certainty to mean something fixed and certainty does not mean things should happen as they are supposed to. How can it meant that when there's no way things are supposed to happen. Certainty is in the concept. It is in the background to the foreground. It's when you love the raw materials regardless of how the finished product turns out. And even though it's totally uninspiring and dull to look out of a window and see a staircase and unpainted back of a home, there is an option to paint the window in the picture of raindrops , clouds , and unlimited horizon. It will be perfect. And perfect never means what we are conditioned to believe is perfect. Peace is good but I have known some fights to be the closest to heart because they were are an act of catharsis. They revealed the beautiful self behind the facade.  Love can be faked. Fights can hardly be. They are the most genuine things that humans do.

I disapprove of idealism , not with a sneer of knowing better. But as an act of giving up to the random design of the universe. I don't know if any cause is worthwhile enough to commit myself to. I have one dear, short, uncertain and random life that I am holding onto very dearly. I allow myself to think for myself. I allow myself to speak for myself.