Resignation.

' I don't know-o-o-o-o where you're going, or when you're coming o-o-o-o-o, i left the keys under the mat to our front do-o-o-o-o-o-or , so one more chance to hold you close, i don't know-o-o-o-o-o Where you're going, just get your ass back home'

Hardly moving lyrics. But she listens to them anyway. The center of her romantic fantasies is an obscure handsome(optional) figure who reads her mind and understands her like a book. Drawing attraction from the opposite sex is not unfamiliar to her, yet she realized that the pleasure of such attention is only short-lived as when the deeper sores in us seek to be tended, compliments and admiration hardly work as bandages. Sobriety has struck! Indeed. It hasn't come slowly but instead it thrust itself upon her as one after another , the idols started falling and she realized, if people were to be won by appearances and outward manner (and could be lost after the same things failed to amuse them), she hardly had any heart for them.  No matter how being 'with someone' provided a sense of security, a safety net to fall back on, the job of keeping up appearances and to compromise on the person she was , was becoming a task too arduous to be taken over a long period of time. Yes she believed religion was bullshit. Yes she hated more things about the society she was living in that she dared to admit. Yes the idea of being a part of the same system loomed like a ghost in her mind ,scaring away her creativity. Yes, she secretly admired the people, who however outrageous in their actions, showed middle finger to the system. And yes, she didn't want to fit in anymore. Compatibility couldn't be created with wish, harmony couldn't be conjured up in a relation between two people who looked at things differently and love couldn't be dished out after mixing the shiny peels of outward personalities and discarding the distasteful pulp of differences. These were the things that had to run through the core.

About time she realized it wasn't upto her, it wasn't even her duty to fit in, to meet anyone's expectations or to be a people pleaser while feeling like being on the misunderstood end of the equation all this while. She owed it to herself  to fully fall into the character her courage gave her a fire to create. She owed it to herself , to 'be herself' under the most adverse circumstances, against opponents, conflicting opinions, shifting views and most sadly, against any love that came at compromise of the things she was. The latter being, indeed , the hardest battle to fight and the most tempting gift to refuse. Surprised that her own wisdom could evade her for so long, she finally let it register : If you have to be apologetic about being yourself in front of someone, you don't belong with that someone.