Some people are real exclusive. They take people very seriously. They invest too much and expect too much and then... it hurts.
I was sitting with her like this for the first time in the 5 years that i have known her. It was the most desolate place in college, no one could have found us if he tried. And we brooded on life. We brooded on our experiences without giving the characters names. We, of all people knew that it took time to cross that barrier. That comfort in a relationship could not be achieved by trying. Yet somehow, somewhere along the memory lane, we started talking as if we had being doing it for years. I told her about my weaknesses, she told me about hers. .And everything we had felt was so similar that neither felt vulnerable by this exposure. She was real strong on exterior, real tough, real quiet and real reserved. But inside she was a deeply loving fool. . Everything she told me was a confirmation of my own hurt, my own confusion and my own battle.
When i think about it, we were the reliable factors of our relationships. We were the constants in the relationship equations. We were the ones who felt unspoken commitments . But more than that, what was even more frighteningly similar was the fact that neither knew how to protest, how to present her case to a person who was hurting us? She rationalized the action of the people who upset her and convinced herself to try harder. I knew because I had always done the same. It was so troubling for me that in the end i decided to not seek closure with some people just because I knew that if I had some sort of confrontation, I would find myself thinking on their behalf ; as a result of which my mind would refuse to tag them as unfavorable stimulus. My heart, it would again fill up with love for them and some part of it will ache forever. This is not a good survival strategy especially for someone who wants to do more in life than just swing in the safety of relationships. We conceded that today. We existed in an air of mutual resignation.
Having exchanged just goodwill phrases for majority of our interaction in the past, today we talked without thinking. This was no small thing! This was a resignation in people, and in ourselves for thinking about this. This was a closure made with the right person. Someone who validated my confusion and hurt before it was discarded, just as it was meant to happen (and wouldn't have happened with our source of hurt)
It was simple, we endeared our shells too much to make a venture of exploring new people. I had known that she existed and I had liked her, mildly but in a very honest way. I had been content with my then company as she had been with hers and even today as we spoke, there was no false sentiment that needed to be conjured in our speech.
Yet clouds of illusion had torn away ,People who once belonged to me (and whom, I had told myself I fully belonged to) had drifted away and i had given up tugging on the pieces of picture to stay together.
I had learnt that You could not make people stay. You could not blow permanence into a relationship until it was mutually intended. And I had learnt that the people who made you wonder this did not belong in your life in the first place...
And today when I heard my battles resonate in her voice, it was oddly calming.
Maybe all this time what I had admired in her silently was my own reflection in her.
I was sitting with her like this for the first time in the 5 years that i have known her. It was the most desolate place in college, no one could have found us if he tried. And we brooded on life. We brooded on our experiences without giving the characters names. We, of all people knew that it took time to cross that barrier. That comfort in a relationship could not be achieved by trying. Yet somehow, somewhere along the memory lane, we started talking as if we had being doing it for years. I told her about my weaknesses, she told me about hers. .And everything we had felt was so similar that neither felt vulnerable by this exposure. She was real strong on exterior, real tough, real quiet and real reserved. But inside she was a deeply loving fool. . Everything she told me was a confirmation of my own hurt, my own confusion and my own battle.
When i think about it, we were the reliable factors of our relationships. We were the constants in the relationship equations. We were the ones who felt unspoken commitments . But more than that, what was even more frighteningly similar was the fact that neither knew how to protest, how to present her case to a person who was hurting us? She rationalized the action of the people who upset her and convinced herself to try harder. I knew because I had always done the same. It was so troubling for me that in the end i decided to not seek closure with some people just because I knew that if I had some sort of confrontation, I would find myself thinking on their behalf ; as a result of which my mind would refuse to tag them as unfavorable stimulus. My heart, it would again fill up with love for them and some part of it will ache forever. This is not a good survival strategy especially for someone who wants to do more in life than just swing in the safety of relationships. We conceded that today. We existed in an air of mutual resignation.
Having exchanged just goodwill phrases for majority of our interaction in the past, today we talked without thinking. This was no small thing! This was a resignation in people, and in ourselves for thinking about this. This was a closure made with the right person. Someone who validated my confusion and hurt before it was discarded, just as it was meant to happen (and wouldn't have happened with our source of hurt)
It was simple, we endeared our shells too much to make a venture of exploring new people. I had known that she existed and I had liked her, mildly but in a very honest way. I had been content with my then company as she had been with hers and even today as we spoke, there was no false sentiment that needed to be conjured in our speech.
Yet clouds of illusion had torn away ,People who once belonged to me (and whom, I had told myself I fully belonged to) had drifted away and i had given up tugging on the pieces of picture to stay together.
I had learnt that You could not make people stay. You could not blow permanence into a relationship until it was mutually intended. And I had learnt that the people who made you wonder this did not belong in your life in the first place...
And today when I heard my battles resonate in her voice, it was oddly calming.
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