Hiralious

I took my heart to him again and again until I got tired. I felt I wouldn't recover from a pain of that kind. I lost my loved ones to death. It was grief of the kind that I hadn't imagined before. Every waking moment of the day was a burden. Time didn't heal but I became able to think of different things slowly. I still remember the first time I smiled after all those years , I felt as if I had a hope. And hope is what we live by, all our lives.
   We see pain and suffering , that which is not in our control and that which is a result of our doings. We have regrets and shame. How I spent a good part of my life mourning what I once had instead of loving what I now have , was an indicator of how I loved myself so less. Why does someone going away mean so much pain for me ? I am not here to stay for eternity. What about me ?
   I began to love myself. It started with an attention to the physical aspects, vain though it might sound to others. I meditated while I loved myself, I applied lotion on the dry parts that had been neglected, I separated my toes to look where I had never looked, i took care of my body , i combed my hair as i contemplated life. Perhaps something like this hasn't been said before. I felt relief of the purest kind in loving and nurturing my body. I went on long walks and as my body relaxed into the bed , I let the contentment take me. I still missed the ones who had loved me. I still craved the feel of my mother's lips on my forehead , but I knew If I thought about that too much, I would never be able to fulfill what was my purpose.
    There was so much suffering around when I broke my bubble. I was not the only orphan, I was not the only jilted lover.  There was so much war and destruction in the world  that there were children who had never known what a mother's embrace felt like. That was the turning point. I had had my share of love in this life. What I did with those memories was upto me. I could wallow in despair or pick the broken pieces of my heart and love another. And another. Indiscriminately. I was yet to see how it would affect me.
        I was not a very happy or a positive person at the start of the journey. I had little regard for people celebrating their happiness and I saw that as they shoving it in the face of the less lucky ones. I had disdain for parents who were always obsessed about the kids and very biased as well in doing that. I felt a lot of evil stems from our inability to call our side , our associations wrong. I felt people's celebration of their wonderful lives on social media was a hoax . I learned with time. I learned to accept that vanity isn't evil. That we all have a right to be happy, whichever way we choose. I now love to see the same people happy . I wish them happiness. I just wish they would show understanding to the ones who are not as "blessed" as them. I hope they do not feel entitled to give other opinions on how to live life . I hope they have empathy. I have no complaints.
          Loving the destitute, loving the one who hasn't been loved before , I won't reduce this experience to my own spiritual enrichment or satisfaction.  I would only say , I cried the tears of purest joy when they were happy , when they made their lives better. Happiness was multiplied. There was still sickness, misery and death. But I was not contributing to it. I was not hiding behind a closed door, feeling sorry for myself always. I was a free spirit. I was everyone. Their sadness was mine. But their happiness was mine too. I was bigger than all the pain that I once thought, had defined me. Because what you can do, or I can do in this life, what we are capable of, is truly limitless.
     To the bigger questions in life ,  I don't have an answer. I don't know what becomes of us . I don't know why we are here and why there is so much evil in the world. I don't proclaim to be happy all the time, I don't feel positive outlook can solve all problems. All I know is that , a small and sorted beautiful corner in a limitless expanse is still a thing worth investing in. Spreading love is still worthwhile though we may not know what it adds up to. How , you may ask ? It is how you feel inside when you give out of your own free will. It is better than how you feel as a receiver.  Perhaps it was a trick question, that most found the wrong answer to.
      I dont have many promising things to say about life and happiness . But i only know one thing.  What you lost doesn't define you. You are more than that. And if we had a duty, perhaps the foremost would be to love ourselves ? Completely , deeply?  Because even the love for others is an afterthought. No one can pour from an empty vessel.
       Perhaps you aren't as guilty and wretched or forsaken as you think you are. I know I was not. There is still hope.