I made a home for him, I worshiped him by my body and soul but today when he came close to me, i suddenly did not recognize him anymore.|
I could smell on him, the scent of another woman.
I could tell by the way he looked at me that there somewhere in the remote recesses of his mind, there was some guilt which was dominated by the knowledge of his immense power over me, his wife.
What hurts me isn't the betrayal of the bond we had, it is the audacity which he employs to reach out to me, to hold me, to want me the way he did in the earlier days of our beautiful marriage. He does not hurt me as much by being distant as he does by being so intimate, the most intimate I had ever allowed anyone to be. It hurts me so much that I do not derive any pleasure from this physical interaction which is the primal desire of all human beings. I feel like a thing. I feel insignificant. I feel like a body whose soul has departed, a lover whose love has abandoned her , a drop of water that is falling into fire. All this time that he's near me, I know the peaks and troughs of the experiences my body is going through, but my heart is not there. I am so hollow, i don't find anything emotionally challenging anymore.
It was two months ago that my husband, the love of my life, the man I have worshiped with my body and soul married another girl. Simply because 'he could'
I have cried my share of tears, I have pulled my hair and dosed myself with sleep medication. I have talked to my friends for hours. But this fact that my love is not mine anymore haunts me like a shadow. It doesn't go away, it clings to me like bad virtue.
My bed has become a place to visit in my mind the images of his intimacy with another woman. Everything that he said to me has become meaningless. He used to call me the sun of his sky. His only one. Well A sky doesn't have two suns. And I realize this every morning when the spot next to me on my bed is empty, and the sun rays are playing with my face. I call out to the sun and warn him, that its only importance is in being alone. That sharing is so painful it could hollow you out as if it were an ever-growing parasite inside your body, sucking your happiness with every passing minute.
Did emotional pain not count anymore? Was faithfulness not a virtue suddenly? Could disloyalty be made legal? Could a God sanction a hurt of this kind?
I had always blindly supported everything my religion had to endorse. Like a parrot, I had crammed the defenses for the most common questions raised against its teachings, I remember recalling the statistics of world's population when a question about polygamy was brought up. I cringe to think what I had been thinking? and how, for such a long time we can follow and spread something so blindly without ever questioning it? and how shaken we feel when the belief is challenged?
I got to know everything with a stabbing bolt of painful realization, that the issue of polygamy didn't have to do with facts and figures of the world's population. It had to do with my rights. But I was not a sheep or goat that needed its share of food and attention, I am a human being. I am not a commodity, I am in my own possession. I am a woman as capable as my male counterpart in every way. My feelings and emotions are as sacred and vulnerable as a man's are. My emotions cannot be bargained just as a man's cannot. I have a right to demand loyalty just as he does. Loyalty of mind and body.
Without it, if you think I'm enjoying rights, I am not.
Without it, if you think this hurt shall stop, it will not.
I know as I right it, those of you who pass through a similar situation as I do will identify with me maybe with a lock on lips but you will be able to feel the intensity of what I feel when you go to bed tonight , if you love your husband just as I do, and those who don't have the misfortune of facing such a situation in life, will call my 'rebellion' to 'shame'.
But i am sure all of you, and any of you will hate to be in my place.
And this is a hell our religion has sanctioned our men to create for us.
I could smell on him, the scent of another woman.
I could tell by the way he looked at me that there somewhere in the remote recesses of his mind, there was some guilt which was dominated by the knowledge of his immense power over me, his wife.
What hurts me isn't the betrayal of the bond we had, it is the audacity which he employs to reach out to me, to hold me, to want me the way he did in the earlier days of our beautiful marriage. He does not hurt me as much by being distant as he does by being so intimate, the most intimate I had ever allowed anyone to be. It hurts me so much that I do not derive any pleasure from this physical interaction which is the primal desire of all human beings. I feel like a thing. I feel insignificant. I feel like a body whose soul has departed, a lover whose love has abandoned her , a drop of water that is falling into fire. All this time that he's near me, I know the peaks and troughs of the experiences my body is going through, but my heart is not there. I am so hollow, i don't find anything emotionally challenging anymore.
It was two months ago that my husband, the love of my life, the man I have worshiped with my body and soul married another girl. Simply because 'he could'
I have cried my share of tears, I have pulled my hair and dosed myself with sleep medication. I have talked to my friends for hours. But this fact that my love is not mine anymore haunts me like a shadow. It doesn't go away, it clings to me like bad virtue.
My bed has become a place to visit in my mind the images of his intimacy with another woman. Everything that he said to me has become meaningless. He used to call me the sun of his sky. His only one. Well A sky doesn't have two suns. And I realize this every morning when the spot next to me on my bed is empty, and the sun rays are playing with my face. I call out to the sun and warn him, that its only importance is in being alone. That sharing is so painful it could hollow you out as if it were an ever-growing parasite inside your body, sucking your happiness with every passing minute.
Did emotional pain not count anymore? Was faithfulness not a virtue suddenly? Could disloyalty be made legal? Could a God sanction a hurt of this kind?
I had always blindly supported everything my religion had to endorse. Like a parrot, I had crammed the defenses for the most common questions raised against its teachings, I remember recalling the statistics of world's population when a question about polygamy was brought up. I cringe to think what I had been thinking? and how, for such a long time we can follow and spread something so blindly without ever questioning it? and how shaken we feel when the belief is challenged?
I got to know everything with a stabbing bolt of painful realization, that the issue of polygamy didn't have to do with facts and figures of the world's population. It had to do with my rights. But I was not a sheep or goat that needed its share of food and attention, I am a human being. I am not a commodity, I am in my own possession. I am a woman as capable as my male counterpart in every way. My feelings and emotions are as sacred and vulnerable as a man's are. My emotions cannot be bargained just as a man's cannot. I have a right to demand loyalty just as he does. Loyalty of mind and body.
Without it, if you think I'm enjoying rights, I am not.
Without it, if you think this hurt shall stop, it will not.
I know as I right it, those of you who pass through a similar situation as I do will identify with me maybe with a lock on lips but you will be able to feel the intensity of what I feel when you go to bed tonight , if you love your husband just as I do, and those who don't have the misfortune of facing such a situation in life, will call my 'rebellion' to 'shame'.
But i am sure all of you, and any of you will hate to be in my place.
And this is a hell our religion has sanctioned our men to create for us.
if you feel the pain then you know what is written here. doesn't matter what you are going through. the pain can be felt
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