A heart to heart talk with my blog needs no proper beginning. I have been studying for a long time but i am still behind the schedule. As a result, i am least motivated to do more work. Mental block they call it. My thoughts are so irrelevant, my spirits so low that even a beautiful top from my favourite shop won't help.
Today when i woke up it was pretty late. I went to the kitchen, my happy place, to find the right breakfast. My eating habits are so irregular that no one even bothers to ask me about breakfast now. I would have what i want to have at the time of my liking. Same is the matter with my sleeping routine. I know it is not healthy, but i don't want to think about that just yet. I cannot cope with the extra pressure of 'putting life back in order' alongwith preparing for the deadly anatomy exam i am going to face after six days. So i spill myself some soup from yesterday ( that is a constant favourite ) and eat it with chips.
That still doesn't give me that 'get up and go' feeling so i gorge myself some more. This time with bone-strengthening calcium fortified milk ( i recommend that ) and biscuits. Although my stomach doesn't quite agree with my mind, i decide it is enough for a morning snack and go up the stairs to my room. Wash my hair. A part of me that i love. I take extra time to comb through the silky strands . It makes me feel that at least some part of my life is sorted, tangle-free, right in place.
Opening the books is not the right idea because after two hours of fruitless effort, i have done nothing but made illegible remarks on the pages. I remember this thing i saw in a movie that psychiatrists do. They make you hold a piece of paper and pen to write whatever is coming to your mind. Then slowly they distract you, so that now you are writing subconsciously. and This makes you pour out all the locked or forgotten thoughts in your mind that you wouldn't be conscious of. It helps you achieve a closer understanding of yourself.
( If they are legible in the end) I also wanted to achieve a closer understanding of myself so i tried to meditate. Saw tutorials on youtube, and read the related articles on wikihow. ( One can imagine the level of my desperation from this fact alone )
But my thoughts are so abundant that they simply failed to focuss at a single point. No matter how hard i try. No matter how relaxed i want to feel, my thoughts are in an overdrive, like a very busy Mcdonalds franchise, one car in one car out. My mind just doesn't stop in a single second of its waking period. And because there are so many thoughts coming from all directions about all sorts of things, they reverberate through my mind, never falling into place. You might marvel at my ability to visualize everyting. But that's the way it has been since the start of my life.
My thoughts are epileptic. My thoughts time-travel. My thoughts make me build weird (and seemingly irrelevant) connections of different experiences with solid objects.
Though easily dismiss-able for any reader the account of my predicament might be, It dominates my life like a shadow. I think too much. which comes with its benefits, i am imaginative, open-minded and have opinions about Everything. Absolutely everything.
But some major detrimental effects being my inability to believe in anything or anyone, my inability to focus my thoughts on a point, to steer myself in one direction.
Bold, strong and master of my own world, i have a weakness to admit. I fail to believe in things i want to believe in, things believing in which would make me happier, a better person. All for the cause of thinking too much, of questioning too much and of wanting to know too much..
Today when i woke up it was pretty late. I went to the kitchen, my happy place, to find the right breakfast. My eating habits are so irregular that no one even bothers to ask me about breakfast now. I would have what i want to have at the time of my liking. Same is the matter with my sleeping routine. I know it is not healthy, but i don't want to think about that just yet. I cannot cope with the extra pressure of 'putting life back in order' alongwith preparing for the deadly anatomy exam i am going to face after six days. So i spill myself some soup from yesterday ( that is a constant favourite ) and eat it with chips.
That still doesn't give me that 'get up and go' feeling so i gorge myself some more. This time with bone-strengthening calcium fortified milk ( i recommend that ) and biscuits. Although my stomach doesn't quite agree with my mind, i decide it is enough for a morning snack and go up the stairs to my room. Wash my hair. A part of me that i love. I take extra time to comb through the silky strands . It makes me feel that at least some part of my life is sorted, tangle-free, right in place.
Opening the books is not the right idea because after two hours of fruitless effort, i have done nothing but made illegible remarks on the pages. I remember this thing i saw in a movie that psychiatrists do. They make you hold a piece of paper and pen to write whatever is coming to your mind. Then slowly they distract you, so that now you are writing subconsciously. and This makes you pour out all the locked or forgotten thoughts in your mind that you wouldn't be conscious of. It helps you achieve a closer understanding of yourself.
( If they are legible in the end) I also wanted to achieve a closer understanding of myself so i tried to meditate. Saw tutorials on youtube, and read the related articles on wikihow. ( One can imagine the level of my desperation from this fact alone )
But my thoughts are so abundant that they simply failed to focuss at a single point. No matter how hard i try. No matter how relaxed i want to feel, my thoughts are in an overdrive, like a very busy Mcdonalds franchise, one car in one car out. My mind just doesn't stop in a single second of its waking period. And because there are so many thoughts coming from all directions about all sorts of things, they reverberate through my mind, never falling into place. You might marvel at my ability to visualize everyting. But that's the way it has been since the start of my life.
My thoughts are epileptic. My thoughts time-travel. My thoughts make me build weird (and seemingly irrelevant) connections of different experiences with solid objects.
Though easily dismiss-able for any reader the account of my predicament might be, It dominates my life like a shadow. I think too much. which comes with its benefits, i am imaginative, open-minded and have opinions about Everything. Absolutely everything.
But some major detrimental effects being my inability to believe in anything or anyone, my inability to focus my thoughts on a point, to steer myself in one direction.
Bold, strong and master of my own world, i have a weakness to admit. I fail to believe in things i want to believe in, things believing in which would make me happier, a better person. All for the cause of thinking too much, of questioning too much and of wanting to know too much..
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